The Title of My Blog Is Ironic, Okay

Having an older parent is a lot like raising a young child.

You are not allowed to be angry or impatient or disappointed with them, because your support is almost all they have to shepherd them through this phase of their lives. Mom was forty when she gave birth to me, and now, twenty-four years since then, I have come to understand her terribly pervasive fear of being a burden in her old age. Because of the obvious language barrier and her recent health issues, I have never known her to be traditionally independent. Returning to the Northwest for breaks is restorative for me, since I am going back to a group of people who consistently need me in very specific ways to help them grow and change. At the end of my first year in DC, Gallaudet had not proven itself to be much like that.

Though it has always been in her nature to be independent and strong— important caveat: I am not a Freudian— I wonder if this has much to do Mom's childhood. She was effectively abandoned by her parents when she was sent to the Washington State School for the Deaf, spending holidays with foster parents during school year vacations. In terms of (language, physical, emotional) development I do not believe in "critical periods" as much as I do "sensitive" ones, though it has become clear that she many of them. Often in Tacoma I am mentally exhausted because I run through such a litany of emotions and cognitive states during a day with Mom; typically two or three scythe through me at a time. I feel frustrated and sad and pitiful and envious and frightened and fragile and strong and reliable and bitter and small and important and significant and insignificant and joyful and like laughing until my sides hurt and like weeping inconsolably until I am dehydrated.

I have taken the necessary initial steps to become Mom's state-recognized caregiver. If approved, I will receive a small salary that I can use to offset my expenses (e.g., cell phone, gasoline, grad school loans, ludicrously expensive vegan foodery from the fancy market) while ensuring that I can maximize the amount of time I spend with her. My interview will be scheduled within the next week.